Typical examples of emotion regulation

The typical cases with the most reference value in the field of emotion regulation essentially do not follow any "universal formula" - it is neither the stereotyped "suffering" nor the "quick calm down" template spread online, but the flexible implementation of methods from different technical schools in real scenarios, including physiological regulation from the perspective of neuroscience, cognitive restructuring from the cognitive behavioral school, and full acceptance of commitment therapy. There is never an absolute "optimal solution", it only depends on whether it is suitable for the current scene and the characteristics of the user.

Last month, at a case exchange bureau with colleagues, I met Xiaoxia, a girl working in an Internet operation position. Her experience was particularly representative. At that time, she was working overtime until 2 o'clock for three weeks in a row during the 618 promotion. It happened that there was a bug in the backend on the day the event went online. Hundreds of user complaints came out in one minute. Her boss was in five or six groups at the same time @ her and asked her to come up with a solution in 10 minutes. Her hand holding the mouse was shaking, and tears were already rolling in her eyes. Before the change, she had dropped the keyboard and hid in the stairwell to cry. That day, she stared blankly at the three raised dots on the frame of the computer screen for 30 seconds. She breathed and exhaled slowly 12 times. The first line she typed was "Now synchronize 3 pieces of information: The technology is rolling back the version. If you complain, I will solicit the customer complaint team first to handle it, and give a complete review in 10 minutes." In fact, this is not a natural good temper. It is essentially a simplified version of "sensory anchoring + abdominal breathing" in neuroscience. When the amygdala is hijacked, the rational brain cannot work normally at all. The emotional concentration must be lowered through physiological reactions before subsequent processing can be discussed. At that time, someone advised her, "You should calm down."

But if you want to say that this method is universal, that is not necessarily true. A middle school teacher I met last year, Teacher Zhang, said that this breathing method was of no use to her. She had previously encountered students fighting during class and smashing the glass windows in the corridor, which happened to hit a passing lower grade child. After hearing the news, her parents rushed over and blocked the office door, pointing at her nose and scolding her. The more she counted her breaths, the tighter her chest became, and her mind was filled with "Why can't I manage a class well?" Later, the cognitive restructuring she had practiced in advance came into effect - she quickly silently recited "This is not my fault, I am just here to coordinate and solve the problem" three times in her mind, and instantly she felt that the air that was stuck in her throat was dissipated. calmly took the parents to watch the monitoring, negotiated compensation, and sent the children to the hospital without shedding a single tear throughout the whole process. This is the core logic of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): the root of emotions is never the event itself, but your automatic interpretation of the event. If you get rid of the irrational belief "I am responsible for everything", your emotions will naturally stabilize.

Interestingly, there has been controversy in the industry as to whether cognitive restructuring is really applicable to all scenarios. Supporters of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) believe that forcing cognition is essentially fighting against negative emotions, which can easily aggravate internal friction. My friend Akai failed to start a business last year and owed more than 800,000 yuan in debt. During that time, he couldn't even fill out the CBT form. The more he hinted to himself that "I can do it" and "this obstacle is nothing," the easier it was for him to collapse late at night and suffer from insomnia. Later, he simply gave up the obsession of "I want to get better soon". When he was running, he regarded the guilt, regret, and unwillingness as the wind blowing in his ears. He blew them away without forcing himself to get rid of them immediately. When it was time to submit a resume and discuss cooperation with previous clients, he moved forward with those uncomfortable emotions. Within three months, he slowly recovered. According to the theory of ACT, you don’t need to get rid of your emotions before doing things. You can still move forward with your emotions. The less you take your negative emotions seriously, the faster they will dissipate.

In the five years I have been doing psychological counseling, I have seen too many people argue about "which method is right." I once had a programmer client who bought three or four best-selling books on emotion management and practiced the methods by chapter. As a result, the more he practiced, the more anxious he became. Sometimes the breathing method worked, and sometimes the cognitive restructuring didn't work. He felt that he didn't have enough willpower and couldn't even manage his emotions well. In fact, there is no standard answer. Just like if you have a cold, some people take ibuprofen, some people take cold medicine, and some people can just take two days. There is no unified standard for emotional regulation. Let me tell you a little story about myself. I stayed up for two days and two nights in a row last month to meet the deadline for a journal article. My sister suddenly sent me a message saying that while she was cleaning, she knocked off the limited edition figurine I had been saving for half a year. It was so broken that I couldn’t even stick it on. I was so angry that I rushed to the top of my head. I touched the mint candy in my pocket (this was the sensory anchor I found myself). When I bit it open, the cool smell spread to the Tianling Gai. I thought for a moment, "I can't fix the figure even if I scold her now. I still have 3 I haven't finished writing 000 words, and I don't have the energy to argue." So I replied "It's okay, pay attention next time, wait until I finish writing the paper." It not only used physiological control, but also made cognitive adjustments. No one stipulates that you can only stick to a certain method, right?

Oh, by the way, there are still many people who think, "Why should I regulate my emotions and let them out?" Of course, that's fine. I have a friend who is a designer. Whenever Party A changes his demands to the point of collapse, he goes to the supermarket to get two packs of instant noodles (paid for, of course), or goes home and polishes the floor. Others complain to friends for three hours, and go to the boxing gym to hit sandbags for an hour. As long as they don't hurt themselves or affect innocent people, they can do whatever they feel comfortable with.

To put it bluntly, the ultimate goal of all methods of emotional regulation is not to turn you into a saint without a temper. It just helps you have one more choice during the ten seconds when you are emotional - it is enough to prevent you from saying things you regret or doing something irreversible.