Pay attention to children’s mental health

Regarding the question of "how to pay attention to children's mental health", the core answer is actually very simple: Don't wait for extreme signs such as tiredness of school, self-injury, social withdrawal, etc. before thinking of intervention. Instead, the observation and care of the mental state should become a daily parenting part like supervising meals, regular physical examinations, and vaccinations on time.

I have been working as a front-line social worker in child psychology for three years. I have encountered too many parents who wait for the teacher to call when the problem arises, or even when their child locks himself in the room and refuses to go to school before rushing to find him. The first sentence he speaks is often, "He is usually fine, why did he suddenly become like this?" ”. Last month, I met a third-grade boy squatting on a bench and crying downstairs in the community. He was holding a math test paper with a score of 98 and was afraid to go home. I sat with him for ten minutes and found out that when he got a score of 97 in the last test, his mother scolded him all night, saying, "Those 3 points lost are retribution for your usual playfulness." Later, when his mother came looking for him, her first reaction was to reach out to grab the test paper: "Did you fail in the test again? I knew it would be bad if you didn't come home from school. ”

To be honest, there is indeed a lot of public controversy over children's mental health, and there are many supporters of two completely opposite views. One group is a firm believer in "frustration education." They always say, "We were beaten and scolded when we were young. Today's children are just too fragile. Just scold them a few times and throw them down a few times." I have met the most extreme parents. Their children have been diagnosed with moderate anxiety, and they forced them to participate in the so-called "frustration training camp." They stood outside for two hours at minus three degrees in the name of "training stress resistance." As a result, the child had a high fever for a week after returning home, and his emotional problems became more serious. The other group is the "absolute emotional liberal group", which believes that children must be 100% tolerant and cannot criticize at all. Even if the teacher says "you are distracted in class", they will go to the school to complain. In the end, the children they raised reached the fourth grade and would lie on the floor and roll around when they lost in playing games with their classmates. They could not bear even the smallest setback.

Both of these views are problematic when taken to the extreme. Essentially, they regard the child's psychology as an object that can be shaped at will. Either they think it will harden if they are suppressed, or they think it will grow if they are held, but they forget that the child itself is a living person with independent emotions. According to the latest survey data released by the National Health Commission in 2023, the prevalence of mental disorders among children and adolescents under the age of 17 in my country has reached 17.5%. Almost one in every six children is suffering from psychological problems, but less than 30% of them have received formal intervention. Many children's problems are caused by these two extreme education methods.

Practitioners in different fields have different intervention logics in this matter. Doctors in the hospital's clinical psychology department focus more on pathological judgments. If a child has been depressed for more than two weeks, has sleep disorders, self-harming behavior, or has even been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, then taking medication as prescribed by the doctor along with regular psychological consultation is the most effective solution. Don't believe the saying that "you don't need to take medicine for heart disease". If there is really a problem with the neurotransmitters in the brain, it is useless to "think about it". Most of the school's psychology teachers do pre-screening and group counseling. They also hold several emotion management classes during the school season and exam season. If they find children who are emotionally disturbed, they will first bring them over to have a chat to nip the problem in its infancy. Social workers like us who are rooted in the community actually do the most to "address parents' problems" - many times the root cause of children's problems lies in family communication. Parents use correction filters as soon as they open their mouths. When a child says "I fell in gym class today", the first sentence is always "Why are you so careless"? Change it to "Does it hurt? Show me", the communication effect is completely different.

Don't tell me, there are really many parents who think, "My children are happy every day, sensible and worry-free, so they must have no psychological problems." Last year, we picked up a little girl in fifth grade who was considered by everyone to be "someone else's child." She was among the top two in the class. She took the initiative to help her mother with housework, and even bought the cheapest stationery. When her mother washed her school uniform, she found blood spots on her cuffs, and only then did she find out that she had been secretly slashing her wrists with a knife for half a year. When the little girl was chatting with us, she said: "If I show that I am unhappy, my mother will say that I am ignorant. She is already tired enough from work, and I can't cause her any more trouble." ”You see, sometimes "sensible" is not a compliment at all. It is just a child wrapping up his emotions layer by layer and not daring to show them to adults.

In the past few years, I feel that the most useful thing is not to tell parents about the developmental psychology theories of Piaget and Erikson. Most people turn around and forget after listening. Instead, there are two small habits with little technical content. As long as families can persist, children rarely have major psychological problems: One is to set aside 5 minutes a day to be an "emotional tree hole" and only listen to what the child says without judging or correcting mistakes. Even if he says "I hate the math teacher the most," don't jump up and scold him for being rude. First, listen to why he hates it. Maybe it was just the teacher who wrongly blamed him for not turning in his homework last time. ； The other is not to talk about "I'm doing this for your own good" or "Look at other people's children". If you say these things too often, your children will naturally close their hearts to you.

In fact, paying attention to children's mental health is really not that mysterious. You don't need to go out to get a psychological counselor certificate to do it. To put it bluntly, don’t treat your child like a potted plant that needs to be pruned, and must be broken into the shape you want. Squat down more often to look at him or her, care more about whether he is happy or not, and care less about whether he is “excellent”. Just like you remember to add clothes to him when it’s cold, or cook for him when he’s hungry, pay more attention to his little emotions, which is better than anything else. After all, growing up healthy and happy is much more important than getting 100% on the test.