What aspects does emotional regulation include?

From the perspective of combining clinical psychological practice with daily public application, emotional regulation actually covers several core dimensions: adjustment of physiological state, acceptance of emotional experience, transformation of cognitive perspective, adjustment of behavioral patterns, and call for interpersonal support. There are no absolute boundaries between them. In many cases, the adjustment process takes effect simultaneously in several dimensions.

A girl who worked in e-commerce operations that I received last month stayed up for 8 days in a row to catch up with the 618 sales. In the end, her leader scolded her for a typo on the details page, and she squatted in the work corridor and cried until she couldn't breathe. The first thing I did when I rushed over was not to be reasonable at all. I helped her to an empty conference room, and accompanied her to do three or four sets of 478 breathing. I waited until her fingertips slowly warmed up from the cold, her heart rate dropped, and she stopped twitching before she spoke. This is the most basic physiological adjustment. Many People force themselves to "don't cry and be calm" as soon as they get started. This is completely reversed. When emotions get high, the amygdala hijacks the rational brain, and you can't listen to any reason at all. You must first bring the deviated heart rate, breathing, and cortisol levels back to the normal range before you can talk about subsequent adjustments.

Once the physiology has stabilized, the next thing to deal with is the emotional experience itself. In fact, there is quite a bit of controversy in the industry. One school of thought believes that emotional regulation is to quickly eliminate negative emotions, and only by maintaining a positive state can the adjustment be in place.； The other group, including most of the front-line counselors I have contacted, believe that negative emotions themselves have signaling value, and there is no need to suppress them as soon as they arise. Just like when you have a fever, instead of taking antipyretics to suppress your body temperature, you first check to see if there is inflammation. Anxiety reminds you that this matter is a high priority for you, and grievance reminds you that your boundaries have been violated. If you suppress it, it may lead to a big emotional explosion. When the girl was crying, I didn't stop her, so I handed her a piece of paper. While she was crying, she scolded the leader for being unreasonable. She also said that she was actually afraid of having her quarterly bonus deducted. The mortgage she had just changed required more than 8,000 yuan a month. After she had scolded her enough and said enough, she sighed and said, "Actually, I didn't do it just now." This is the core of regulating emotional experience: first acknowledge its existence, and don't judge yourself for "why you are so emotional." There is no right or wrong in the emotion itself. Only when you can handle it will it go away.

After most of the emotional stress has passed, cognitive adjustments can take effect. Her collapse at that time was actually a string of completely unfounded inferences in her mind: "There was a typo = I was not serious about my work = the leader thought I was incompetent = I was not responsible for this evaluation = quarterly award "Failed = not able to pay the mortgage next month." A small mistake that could be corrected in 10 minutes was transformed into a catastrophe that would lead to a cessation of payment. I accompanied her to break down this series of inferences one by one. She laughed to herself and said that she really thought the sky was falling just now, but in fact it was not that serious. To put it bluntly, cognitive adjustment is to take off the "catastrophizing filter" that you automatically wear, and look at the problem based on the facts, and don't add drama to yourself.

Later, she adjusted her rhythm when she returned home. She no longer had to stay up late. Every hour she worked, she would stand by the window and look at the cat for 5 minutes. After work, she would take a detour to the cat cafe downstairs to pet the cat for 10 minutes. Her overall state became much more relaxed. This was adjustment at the behavioral level. She no longer had to sit there and struggle with her emotions. Instead, she would move around and do small things that did not require a lot of thinking, and her emotions would smooth out faster. She also said that when she encounters unbearable pressure, she no longer holds it back by herself. She either takes her friends in the same group downstairs to buy a cup of milk tea to complain, or takes her husband to go hiking in the suburbs on weekends. She does not have to hold all her emotions in. Reliable interpersonal support is the best emotional cushion. This is adjustment at the interpersonal level.

I have been doing this for almost 6 years, and people often ask me what is the best way to regulate emotions. In fact, there is no standard answer. Just like the desk lamp in your home, it is not only good to turn it on to the brightest, but to adjust it to a brightness you are comfortable with. Emotional regulation is never about turning you into a "happy robot" without negative emotions. It is about having the ability to pull yourself back when you know that your current mood is not right, and not to be led by it to do things you regret.