Emotional Regulation Methods

Really effective emotional regulation is never about "forcing yourself to be happy", but based on personal emotional characteristics and scene attributes, and on the premise of "allowing emotions to exist", choosing an appropriate relief and transformation plan - there is no universal optimal solution, only the optimal choice suitable for the moment.

Last week, I met a girl who works in Internet operations in the consulting room. She stayed up for three days in a row to catch up with the 618 sales. She went out to ride a shared bicycle in the morning and drank half a cup of the ice porridge she just bought. She squatted downstairs in the office building and cried for ten minutes. A colleague passed by and handed her a candy and advised her, "It's such a big deal, don't be sad." Instead, she cried even harder. In fact, this is the biggest misunderstanding that many people have about emotion regulation: they always regard "eliminating negative emotions" as the ultimate goal, and judge emotions as "should not be there" as soon as they come up. Instead, they suppress the originally small emotions into explosive bags.

Regarding the path of emotion regulation, the differences between different academic schools have always been considerable. The "cognitive reappraisal" most recommended by the cognitive behavioral school (CBT), simply put, is to look at the problem from a different perspective, and transform "The boss scolded me because he was targeting me" to "He may have been scolded by Party A today, and it is not my problem to express his anger." This method is indeed useful for those who have fallen from the emotional peak and can think rationally. It has even been tested in a large number of clinical trials and is the preferred solution for many psychological counselors. But at the moment when emotions have just exploded, this statement is essentially self-persuasion. If not, it may turn into another form of self-oppression - you have just walked out of the office after being scolded by your boss, and all you can think about is "Why did he say that to me?" At this time, forcing yourself to "think from another angle" will most likely only make you feel more and more aggrieved. The anger that should have been relieved in ten minutes will be blocked in your heart for a long time.

The “grounding techniques” of the mindfulness school fill this gap. If you are really emotional, your heart is beating fast, your hands are shaking, and your mind is filled with negative thoughts, don’t think about nonsense. First, find a place where no one is around and clench your fists and then loosen them tightly. Do this ten times, or touch the keys and earphones in your pocket to feel the cool texture of the metal. You can even go to the tea house and drink a glass of ice water to let your body withdraw from the "stress state" first, and your emotions will naturally ease by half. I carry a mint candy in my bag all the time. When my blood pressure rises due to being blamed in a meeting, I secretly suck one. The moment the coolness explodes on the tip of my tongue, it is equivalent to putting a soft brake on my emotions. It is much more effective than silently saying "Don't be angry" a hundred times in my heart.

There is a particularly hotly debated topic on the Internet right now: Should we vent negative emotions on the spot? One group says, "It's better to endure a problem than to get rid of it." The other group says, "Losing your temper will only destroy the relationship, but the gain outweighs the gain." There are a lot of people on both sides of the line. In fact, to put it bluntly, the applicable scenarios are different. If you are used to swallowing your anger in close relationships and not speaking out when you are wronged, then speaking out about your dissatisfaction on the spot can help you draw a clear boundary and avoid a sudden outburst of disappointment after you have accumulated enough. ； But if you are dealing with a customer or a leader who can determine your KPIs, it is really refreshing to confront them on the spot. It is you who will have to clean up the mess later. At this time, you can use "delayed venting" to make up for it - I have met many friends who are Party B, There is a stress relief ball placed under the desk. After being scolded by a client, you can squeeze it for two minutes, or you can curse an empty mineral water bottle for one minute when you get home from get off work. After you finish scolding, you can just throw the bottle into the trash can. The anger will dissipate. There is really no need to worry about "whether you took such a breath on the spot."

Oh, by the way, there is another pitfall that many people have stepped on: don’t make any major decisions at the peak of your emotions. I had a previous visit, and I had a quarrel with my boyfriend until I broke down. I submitted my resignation to my boss on the same day and said I wanted to leave this sad city. However, I regretted it after calming down for three days. My relationship issues were not resolved, and my good job was lost. It was not worth the gain. When emotions are high, people's judgment will drop by at least 30%. Even if you feel sober again, you should wait for 24 hours before making a decision. Most of the time when you wake up the next day, you will feel, "I wanted to do this yesterday because my brain was full of water."

To be honest, after doing emotion-related work for so long, I feel more and more that there is no need to make emotion regulation a high-level knowledge, and there is no need to copy other people's successful experiences. Some people can get rid of bad moods by running five kilometers, while some people are so exhausted after running that they become even more irritable. ； Some people write emotional diaries to sort out their thoughts, while others get more and more angry when they think about it, and may get hurt again when they turn to previous records. ； Some people even think that just taking a nap is the best way to adjust.

In the final analysis, emotion is never your enemy, it is just a messenger telling you what needs are not being met at the moment. If you are willing to stop and pick up the letter from it, and if you are willing to give it a few more minutes of space, it will naturally go away. There is no need to chase it or force it to pretend it doesn't exist. After all, how you treat your emotions is essentially how you treat yourself.