The Complete Guide to Self-Healing

The core conclusion is here: Self-healing is never a magic that can help you "completely eradicate negative emotions and erase all past traumas". It is essentially a set of your own, dynamically adjusted "emotional emergency + long-term maintenance" toolset - there is no universal standard answer, and whatever you are comfortable with is the most correct one.

To be honest, I have seen too many misunderstandings about self-healing. Xiao Xia, a 32-year-old Internet operator who came to me for consultation before, would force herself to open the meditation APP immediately and do mindfulness for 15 minutes every time she had mood swings. If she still felt uncomfortable after finishing it, she would scold herself, "I have such poor willpower that I can't even control my emotions." As a result, I suddenly became moderately anxious, and even saw the APP icon. You see, this is to treat "self-healing" as a KPI, but it has the opposite effect.

Interestingly, the academic community has been arguing about the path to self-healing for almost a hundred years, but there is no unified conclusion. Most psychoanalytic counselors will advise you to "look for the root cause." For example, Xiaoxia later talked about how when she was a child, her mother would frown and say, "What's the point of crying about such a trivial matter? Isn't it embarrassing?" Whenever she cried, she had developed the habit of "negative emotions are wrong and must be suppressed immediately." After she clarified the root cause, when she encountered an emotional breakdown, she would not scold herself first, but would pat her hands and say, "Oh, it's the same feeling as a child again. It's okay. There's no shame in crying." Slowly, her anxiety level dropped. But on the other hand, researchers in the cognitive-behavioral school do not agree with the statement that "tracing to the source" is necessary. They believe that things in the past have already happened and you can't change it no matter how hard you dig. It is better to directly adjust your current cognition and behavior. For example, if you are scolded by your leader, you will feel "I can't do anything well." If you change this thought into "This time the plan just does not meet his expectations, another leader may think it is better." You will feel relieved immediately. There is no right or wrong between these two ideas, they are just suitable for different people: If you are always hurt by the same old thing over and over again, and think about it for half an hour before going to bed, then you might as well try tracing the cause and consequences. ； If you are prone to being stuck in past grievances and unable to get out of them, it is better to make immediate behavioral adjustments to achieve faster results.

Don’t think that self-healing is something mysterious and costs a lot of money. I have seen too many “wild paths” that people have figured out on their own, which are more useful than a consultation that costs hundreds of dollars an hour. I used to have a programmer friend who stayed up for a week straight while rushing to launch a project. His mood was so bad that he would explode if he touched it. His way of healing was to go to the scrapyard downstairs after get off work to look for old keyboards, squat on the roadside and dismantle them, remove each keycap, wipe it clean, and put it back one by one. After installing a keyboard, his whole body felt relieved. There is also a friend who is a teacher. Whenever a student gets angry, he goes to the school pond and squats for half an hour, counting how many red koi there are in it. When he counts 20, he gets up and leaves, feeling completely gone. Really, you don’t have to sign up for a therapy class worth tens of thousands of dollars, nor do you have to force yourself to sit down and write an emotional diary of thousands of words. As long as you find something that allows you to "take your attention away from your emotions and focus on a specific little thing," you will have found your own way of healing.

Oh, by the way, one of the most controversial topics on the Internet right now is "Does self-healing require separation from the family of origin?" I have seen many bloggers patting their chests and saying, "You will never get better if you don't cut off contact with toxic parents." But in fact, this matter really cannot be generalized. I once had a reader whose parents favored boys over girls. They scolded her for being incompetent every time she called her. If she didn't give her money to her younger brother, she would be a wolf. Her mood was so bad that she had to take medicine to fall asleep. She blocked her parents for half a year. During these six months, she never received any calls to accuse her. She just came home from get off work every day and did whatever she wanted. Slowly, she recovered. Later, her mood stabilized, and when we resumed contact, she could hang up her parents' calls without hesitation and would no longer be angry and cry. However, some studies have shown that for most people whose original family has not caused extreme harm, complete cutting will bring extra guilt and become a new emotional burden. At this time, it is more appropriate to "establish boundaries" rather than "cut off the relationship." For example, you can directly tell your parents, "Don't talk about my marriage in the future, and I will hang up if you do." Tell them your bottom line clearly, which is much more comfortable than directly blocking them and never seeing each other again.

When I first wanted to write this "complete guide", I originally wanted to list a standard process of 1, 2, 3, and 4, but the more I wrote, the more ridiculous I became. How can there be any "complete" healing? Who hasn't had a few small wounds in their life that make them feel sore at the slightest touch? It doesn’t affect your ability to eat, sleep and go to work, or eat spicy hot pot that makes you sweat, or meet people who make you happy when you meet them. It’s not a big deal.

By the way, one final word: If you feel that your mood has become serious enough to affect your normal life, such as having insomnia for a week in a row, not being able to eat, or losing interest in anything, don’t force yourself to do it. See a professional psychological counselor or go to the psychiatry department of the hospital. This is not a shameful thing, just like seeing a doctor if you have a cold or fever.

You don't need to force yourself to be a perfect person with "no emotional flaws." Being able to live your life calmly with these small wounds is the best form of self-healing.