Emotional regulation methods

First determine the type, intensity and triggering scenario of the emotion, and then match the adjustment strategy that suits your personal characteristics. There is no need to forcefully apply other people's "efficient methods".

To be honest, I have seen too many people fall into the trap of "copying the method" before: the little girl in operations was sent back to the eighth version of the plan by Party A, squatted in the stairwell and searched for "how to calm down in 30 seconds", and followed the tutorial for a long time to do psychological hints. Instead, she felt more and more aggrieved, and finally burst into tears when her colleague handed over the iced milk tea. There is also a friend who works in R&D who is falling out of love. People around him advised him to go out and socialize more. He went to two parties and was bored for three days when he came back. In the end, he wrote code at home for three days and recovered.

The first misunderstanding many people have about emotional regulation is that they think they need to "quickly eliminate all negative emotions", or even regard negative emotions as a scourge. The differences between different schools are actually quite large: the cognitive behavioral school places more emphasis on "adjusting irrational cognitions" and believes that many negative emotions come from your distorted interpretation of events. For example, when a leader says something, you feel "He is going to fire me." If you bring disastrous thoughts back to reality, your emotions will naturally calm down. ； However, the mindfulness school does not recognize this idea at all. They believe that "denying the rationality of emotions is a secondary injury." If you are already wronged because of being criticized, and you have to force yourself to admit "I am overthinking," you will suppress the emotions into your subconscious mind, and you may not know when they will explode later.

Both of these statements are supported by clinical data, and there is no distinction between them. The core depends on your current emotional state and your own characteristics. For example, if you have just finished an argument with someone and are in an acute and intense mood, and you are so angry that you are shaking all over, then no matter what school of "mental method" you use, it is useless - there is a concept in neuroscience called "amygdala hijacking". To put it bluntly, when you are angry, the cerebral cortex responsible for rational thinking goes offline directly. At this time, you are trying to reason with yourself. The most effective thing is physiological adjustment: if you have ice at hand, apply it to the carotid artery for 10 seconds. If not, do 478 breathing. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds and exhale for 8 seconds. Do this for 3 rounds. The excitement of the amygdala will soon decrease. I once met a visitor who had a very bad temper. Later, he simply put a bottle of ice mineral water at his workstation. Every time he was about to explode, he would pick it up and stick it on his neck. It was more effective than any emotion management class. I worked on a project last month for three days in a row. The wrong takeout was delivered that day. The tomato and egg noodles I ordered were delivered instead of spicy fried noodles. I suddenly broke down while holding my chopsticks. I didn't force myself to be "sensible" at the time, so I just sat there and shed tears for two minutes. Then I mixed the spicy noodles and ate them, and added a piece of ham. After eating, I was fine. It was much more comfortable than holding it in.

If you have the kind of low-intensity negative emotions that last for several days, such as always feeling unmotivated and bored by everything, then physiological adjustment can only last for half an hour. At this time, you have to find a way to relieve yourself. People who are more rational can try the idea of ​​​​cognitive adjustment. Take a piece of paper and list the events that triggered your emotions, your thoughts at the time, and the objective evidence you can find. Many times as you write, you will find that the horns you just made are simply untenable. ； For those who are more emotional, don't force yourself to fill in the form. Just do some "mechanical activities" that don't require using your brain. Knead ultra-light clay for half an hour, walk along the riverside for half an hour and count street lights, or even wipe the table for half an hour. If you focus on specific small things, the emotions entangled in your mind will naturally dissipate.

Oh, by the way, there is another research conclusion that many people don't know: Highly sensitive people are actually not suitable for forced "positive energy hints", such as "I am great, I can" and "Everything will be fine", but will increase internal friction - you are already very uncomfortable, and you have to force yourself to show a positive appearance, which is equivalent to giving yourself another layer of pressure of "I can't even regulate my emotions well". Instead, it is better to set a "mourning time limit" for yourself, such as allowing yourself to lie on the sofa and watch meaningless short videos for 20 minutes, or cry for 10 minutes, and do whatever you should do when the alarm goes off. The effect will be much better.

There is also a common misunderstanding that equates "emotional regulation" with "emotional suppression." I once had a client who forced himself to "be generous and emotionally stable" every time he got angry, and never showed his emotions in front of others. As a result, grade three breast nodules were found during a physical examination last year. The first thing the doctor said was "hold your breath less." Nowadays, the "emotional stability" that many people on the Internet boast about is a false proposition. Emotions themselves are normal physiological reactions of people. Just like when it rains and people get hungry, they laugh when they are happy and cry when they are sad. This is a natural thing. Requiring yourself to always be calm is an unreasonable expectation in itself, which will give rise to new anxiety.

To put it bluntly, emotional regulation is not a high-level skill that needs to be learned deliberately. It just means that you have been with your emotions for a long time and slowly figured out its temper. Just like if you have a cat, don’t stroke it when its fur is blowing. Take two steps back to give it some space, and wait until it comes around on its own before touching it.； When it is squatting in the corner, don't force it to get up and play with it. You can squat with it for a while. You are its owner, and you know which way it eats best. No matter how good someone else’s method is, it’s not as good as using the one that works best for you.