A woman with strong self-healing ability

Women with strong self-healing ability are never born without pain, nor have they been hit by unexpected blows in life, but no matter how broken their emotions are, they will not be stuck waiting for others to pull them up - self-healing is not some "imaginary" chicken soup for the soul at all, but a set of emotional digestion mechanisms that are carved into daily life and are completely their own.

Sister Lin, the planning director whom I met last fall, just in time for the company to cut down its business lines and optimize its business lines. As soon as she finished packing and came out that afternoon, she received a breakup message from her boyfriend of three years. The rented house had just expired, and the landlord wanted to take over the house and use it as a wedding room for her son. All the friends around me were sweating, taking turns trying to find her for dinner, fearing that she would not be able to think about it. But three days later, she took the initiative to send me a message, locating her location at the flower and bird market on the outskirts of the city, saying that she was picking out more meat, and asked me to help her move the flower pots. When I went there, I saw that half of her legs were stained with mud, and her eyes were swollen like freshly rubbed peaches. She said that the night before, she squatted on the floor of the rental house and cried for three hours over iced Coke. She deleted all chat records and photos. She cried until she was hungry and cooked two soft-boiled eggs. After eating, she wiped her face and fell asleep. The first thing she did when she woke up the next day was to sign up for the pottery class she had been hesitating about taking for half a year.

Many people say that she is big-hearted, but only she knows how big-hearted she is. She cried and cried, and it was difficult. She couldn't just waste it like this, right?

There has been a long-standing controversy in the psychology circle: Is self-healing a spiritual victory method for self-comfort?

Practitioners of cognitive behavioral therapy will say that the core of self-healing is to proactively adjust irrational cognitions. Don’t equate “being laid off” with “I am terrible”, replace it with “It’s just that the business line has been cut, and I still have my abilities.””； Counselors of the existential school are more inclined to believe that there is no need to rush to eliminate pain. Pain is a part of life. You can just accept its existence and there is no need to force yourself to get better immediately. ； There are even many practitioners of the "Ye Luzi" school who put it more directly: How can there be so much truth? Cry enough, scold enough, have a good meal and buy a bag that you have been thinking about for a long time, turn around and do whatever you need to do. As long as you don't trap yourself in emotions, you can feel comfortable as long as you want.

There is no unified standard path. I was talking about this topic with a friend who has been a clinical psychologist for 12 years. She said that the women she has seen who have strong self-healing ability even vent their emotions in all kinds of weird ways. Some people cut up the old clothes given by their exes, and some people take the bus from the starting point. The wind blows all the way to the finish line, some people work hard all night playing Lego, and some people go to the gym to play iron until exhaustion. There is no distinction between them, just like cleaning the background of the mobile phone. Some people like to clear it with one click, and some people are used to closing it one by one, as long as the machine does not freeze in the end.

Oh, yes, don’t think they can’t emo.

Sister Chen, who runs a yoga studio downstairs from my house, was complained by a veteran student last month about unreasonable course arrangements and wanted to refund her card. She pulled over on her way to get off work on her electric scooter and squatted on the side of the road crying for 15 minutes. After wiping her tears, she bought a spicy sausage from a roadside stall and ate it while riding her scooter home. On the way, she started sending messages to apologize to the students, and then she changed the new course adjustment plan. She later laughed at me and said that crying wouldn’t delay me from solving the problem. I’m not a god. I can’t cry twice when I’m wronged?

Some people have said before that self-healing is self-PUA, forcing yourself to forgive generously even though you have been wronged. People who say this have most likely never really experienced that kind of heartbreaking pain. I have received a message from a reader before, saying that she hated her ex-husband for two years after he cheated on her and divorced her. During these two years, she did not force herself to "let go" or "forgive". She scolded her when she wanted and cried when she wanted to. She just slowly focused her attention back on herself. Today she learned how to make Basque cakes, and tomorrow she went hiking with an outdoor group. When she got up one day, she found that her first reaction was not to think about that person's fault, and she realized: Oh, so I have already come out.

A previous study in The Lancet also mentioned that people with stronger emotional regulation abilities have smaller fluctuations in cortisol levels, and their physical and mental states are more stable in the long term. It's not that they don't encounter bad things, it's just that the time that bad things stay with them is usually shorter than that of ordinary people.

Last week I went to the small planning studio that Sister Lin just opened, and saw that the first mug she made in the pottery class had a crack when it was first baked. She repaired it with gold repair, and put a small daisy sticker on the crack. It is now placed on her desk for pens.

She said that if it breaks, it will break. It can still be used for refilling. Even if it cannot be filled with water, it is still good for holding pens.

You see, there is no such thing as perfect healing. Those injuries will always leave traces. You don’t have to hide them or pretend they didn’t happen. Those cracks will eventually turn into your unique texture.